Be A Family Leader During The Holidays

It’s the holiday season and over the years I have had mixed emotions during this time; excited for the magical time of year but very anxious about the volatile holiday gatherings…anyone with me??  During the time together you never know what topics will become triggers or how long Uncle Jordan and Cousin Sally will be able to avoid each other before they begin arguing or will the neighbor come over just to “stir the pot” or when will Grandma speak without thinking again and create an angry daughter-in-law.

Why can’t we just all get along?  A 2010 study conducted at the University of Michigan found college students had a 40% decrease in empathy compared to their peers 30 years ago, with most of the decrease occurring in the last 10 years. Empathy is the ability to recognize feelings in other people.  Empathy is a requirement of compassion. Without empathy, one doesn’t care what another is feeling. Without empathy, it’s all about that person and no one else. This lack of empathy hurts relationships and creates uncomfortable holiday gatherings.

Academics studying this alarming decrease in empathy also find:

• Empathy is learned from parents and others

• The lack of empathy comes from a lack of reading, especially fiction

• The lack of empathy comes from less unstructured activities, ie playing outside with other kids, and a significant increase in TV watching

• The lack of empathy is attributed to impersonal social media

When we gather with family members and friends there will be some who have a definite lack of empathy. They will come across as self-centered and maybe show up drunk because they don’t care about anyone else, only how they are feeling. They will not communicate effectively. Everything will be about them. They will say things that are insensitive to other family members and friends.  They will exhibit anger and frustration when they don’t get their way. Discussions will turn into arguments as they want to win and be proven right rather than having a conversation.

In order to have a peaceful and joyous gathering, the effects of such lack of empathy have to be minimized and here are a few things you can do to help: 

1.     Take a leadership role and be the peacekeeper. Do your best not to stir up arguments or division. If people are having an argument, moderate it and control the dialogue.

2.     Show respect to everyone. Build up the self-esteem of each person. Say or do something that is uplifting.

3.     Get a person to think about someone else and that person’s feelings.  Start building empathy in all members by discussing why things happened in a TV show or movie and how the characters must have felt when those things happened.

4.     Be tolerant of differences. It’s not about right and wrong. If the gun control topic comes up, let everyone have a say and moderate the discussions so a person’s opinion is not dominant or neglected.

5.     Focus on unity and the benefits of coming together and being together.  Inject love and humor in all interactions. Build family and friendship bonds.

The lack of empathy in society is not something that just started to happen.  It’s a result of how we raise our children, what we watch on TV, how much TV we watch, who we associate with, impersonal social media communication, and where we put our values.

This holiday season I challenge you to put YOUR VALUES FIRST!  Be a leader, observe the familial relationships, and turn potential heated arguments into an opportunity to display empathy and your values.

I wish you peace and joy!